Christmas Crackers
Its at this time of year the jokes come out to make us moan and groan and sometimes make us smile, so here’s my few to make you do one or two of the above!
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing
Queen on it. I thought, ‘That’s Aboriginal.’
Told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said ‘Tenpin?’ I said, ‘No, permanent.’
I went in to a pet shop. I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.’
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue.’ I said ‘No, just a watch. I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on. Here’s one for all the prosecutions expert witnesses -
The recruitment consultant asked me ‘What do you think of
voluntary work? I said ‘I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.’ I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, ‘Are you having me on?’ I said, ‘Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.
I phoned the local builders today; I said to them ‘Can I have a skip outside my house?’ He said, ‘I’m not stopping you!’
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says ‘Audi!’
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, ‘Nearest the bull goes first’ He went ‘Baah’ and I went ‘Moo’ He said ‘You’re closest’
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I
can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.’
I went to the local video shop and I said, ‘Can I take out The Elephant Man?’ He said, ‘He’s not your type.’ I said
‘Can I borrow Batman Forever?’ He said, ‘No, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow’
Finally ‘whats pink and hard - thats right, a pig with a flick knife’!
Happy Christmas!